The Lonely
by ReginaRiverHill10396
Summary: Maria Hill has always and will always be alone. So why in the world does she want to take off her mask and show everyone who she really is, to be loved? It might have to do with a certain Captain she's falling for, who's also falling for her . . . #Captain Hill Cover Art by LightningFlash13
1. Chapter 1

**A/N I really, really, seriously think Maria Hill in under-appreciated and it seems like no one ever really understands her so this is my take on her and I really love the idea of her and Steve together**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Avengers or Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. 'cause if I did you would see a lot more of Maria Hill and she and Steve would be together forever :)**

It had never upset her before. She had just accepted that everyone thought she was a cold emotionless bitch. Sure, every so often she would feel as if everyone misunderstood and it wasn't fair, but really, what was fair?

But then he had to come along, all chivalrous, kind, and polite, treating her like an actual person. Handing his paperwork in ontime. Playing by the rules. Actually inviting her to big S.H.I.E.L.D. bar parties like she was human instead of thinking heartless robots don't like parties. She always turned him down. She didn't have time for a friend and her image stood in the way.

Her mask had helped her move up in the ranks and now she was Deputy Director Hill. Being like that, having everyone see you like that, ensured that they would listen to you, follow orders, keep in line and it made her job easier. And when your job is your life, what is there to lose?

Well, it turns out she could lose a fair bit.

Her mask was so good, even she believed it for a bit, but then he would show up and remind her it was just a mask. And know he was messing it up.

Because for the first time she had wanted to rip it off and stomp on it. To show everyone who she really was, to show him who she really was, but the first and last time she had made that mistake she had paid the price.

It had started at Phil's funeral. She was sitting in the front row next with his family, Fury, and Agent May.

She hadn't cried one tear. Throughout the whole thing she had just stared at his coffin being lowered into the ground. Watched as people spoke about him. She could feel him watching her and she resisted the urge to cry into him.

Everyone but Fury had cried. Even May. When it was all over she heard the whispers.

His agents, disgusted about how unfazed she was about her **friend's** death.

Tony Stark saying how she must be a real bitch if she didn't get upset at a funeral, especially Phil's.

Phil's aunt and grandmother shooting her dirty looks, apalled that she hadn't shed a tear, let alone spoken.

Only May and Romanoff had come up to her and bought her a drink, their way of telling her they knew she was hurting.

And for some reason she wanted them to see she was actually hurting. That she had cried herself to sleep for the past week only to be woken up by nightmares about him disgusted for her lack of caring.

He was messing her up.

He had come and put a hand on her back that night at the party, saying he was sorry for her loss. She had flinched at the touch and he had slid his hand off her back, confusion written all over his handsome features.

"It wasn't my loss" she told him mentally cursing herself. He was still confused, his mouth forming an O.

She stirred her drink leaning over the bar. She wanted out of here. He was messing up her mask and she had worked too hard on it to be ruined.

"I'm sure May would appreciate the great Captain America apologizing for her loss though. He had talked her ear off about you" she said which only confused him more. Damn he was so cute when he was so confused, it almost made her want to smile but Deputy Director Hill didn't smile.

"I thought he was dating a cellist" he asked simply and she smirked. This would be fun.

"It was just a cover story for him and May, protocol and all" she said and his ears turned red. What happened to men who could get embarassed without getting defensive.

Maria started to get very uncomfortable with him standing so close. If she took a step and leaned in she could kiss- Gah! She had to get out, away from him and clear her head.

"She's over there" she said pointing to May and when he looked over she slipped off, camoflauge and silence training kicking in.

She headed straight to her quarters and got to work, reviewing and writing files and paperwork, a beer in hand, radio on, to distract herself from thoughts of him and masks.

It didn't work very well.

What was wrong with her? She knew better than to fall for someone, who could actually feel the same? Her heart had had its sorrowfull days and know it was protected, by a mask that kept her safe and uninjured.

Why would she want to remove it and see that she actually cared for the bodies, for the agents, people's opinion, and most of all Captain frickin America.

The answer was simple, the pros outweighed the cons, so her mask would say but their was that little voice inside of her head, the one that told her Rogers actually cared back, the one that said she would have a chance if she took off the mask, the one that said people might actually love her If she took it off.

_2am; where do I begin,_

_Crying off my face again._

_The silent sound of loneliness_

_Wants to follow me to bed._

Shit. The song was making her cry.

_I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most._

_I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well._

This song was becoming pretty acurate.

_Dancing slowly in an empty room,_

_Can the lonely take the place of you?_

_I sing myself a quiet lullaby._

_Let you go and let the lonely in_

_To take my heart again._

Okay. What the hell. It was like she had written this song.

_Too afraid to go inside_

_For the pain of one more loveless night._

_But the loneliness will stay with me_

_And hold me til I fall asleep._

Now its getting scary.

_I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most._

_I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well._

And her paperwork was soaked.

_Dancing slowly in an empty room,_

_Can the lonely take the place of you?_

_I sing myself a quiet lullaby._

_Let you go and let the lonely in_

_To take my heart again._

This creepily accurate song was bringing out all of her buried emotions.

_Broken pieces of_

_A barely breathing story_

_Where there once was love_

_Now there's only me and the lonely._

_Dancing slowly in an empty room_

_Can the lonely take the place of you?_

_I sing myself a quiet lullaby_

_Let you go and let the lonely in_

_To take my heart again_

"Oh my god" Maria thought as she wiped the tears off her face and turned the radio off.

"I really am lonely and the lonely is taking your place" she muttered to herself.

All alone in a life of nightmares, trapped in a loveless, solitary life full of lost and dying chances.

She grabbed her coffee off the counter but it was too hot and she dropped it. The hot coffee and ceramic shards of the mug fell onto her bare feet and that was last straw.

"Fuck!" She yelled, more tears springing to her eyes and threw her empty bottle in her hand at a wall.

"Maria!" She heard someone say from outside her door. It sounded like . . . oh no.

"Captain?" She said opening her door.

The captain stood behind it, his eyes full of shock and mouth in an "o".

Her jacket was in his arms.

"Captain Rogers" she said a little shakily.

He looked stunned. She cleared her throat and suddenly he stood up straighter and looked her in the face. Concern spread across his face and fear wormed into hers.

No one could know crying. He might find her vulnerable and she swore to herself she would nevere be vulnerable again.

"Are, are you . . . Okay?" He asked warily.

"Fine" she said and he shot her a doubting look as he glanced at the little cuts on her feet, the coffee all over her, the state of her hair, and her red puffy eyes.

He noticed the broken beer bottle on the floor and his eyes widened.

"Is that my jacket?" She asked him, worried she might run and hug him if he stayed any longer. Deputy Director Hill didn't have any sort of affection for anyone.

"Uhhh. Yeah" he said, handing it to her. He turned around and she breathed a sigh a relief as she closed the door but a hand blocked it.

"Phil wouldn't have wanted you to be like this" he said.

"Captain?"

"My name is Steve. Not Captain Rogers"

"Captain?" And he sighed. She couldn't call him Steve. It would give her the attatchment she was longing and didn't want.

"The throwing things, the tears, or the drinking"

"It runs in the family" she muttered.

"Pardon?" He asked. She looked up alarmed.

"Nothing" she muttered, running a hand through her loose, straight hair. He put a hand on her shoulder and she flinched at the touch. He drew back worried.

"I think it would be best if you left" she said fiercly and defensivly and he sent her a worried glance he took a step backwards and she closed the door.

She leant back against a door, resting her head back and closing her eyes.

He had gotten past her defenses just like that and she had accidently revealed a secret.

She slid down to the floor, her head in her hands.

How could she have let it slip that her family was made up of drunks? She could still picture the shocked and sypmathetic look on his face

Everyone could understand her if they knew her past but she didn't want to deal with the pity or disgusted sneers.

Her mask kept her protected and safe and now someone was slipping through it and she was prepared for another heartbreak.

Lonely wasn't fun but it was she needed to be.

Because it meant no one could betray her.

**TBC**

**A/N I promise this won't turn as sad and depressing like my OUAT fanfics but I won't be all fluff**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N Here's chapter 2 and thank you so much to everyone who reviewed. I almost cried. So glad you liked it. Agent Melinda May will be making a couple appearences 'cause I love her on AoS. And BTW AoS hasn't happened yet!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Avengers or Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. 'cause if I did you would see a lot more of Maria Hill and she and Steve would be together forever :)**

Maria jumped out of bed at exactly 4:25, 5 minutes before her alarm goes off. She doesn't know why she keeps it at 4:30.

She pulled on her uniform and ran a hand through her hair, groaning. She ran into the bathroom and pulled her hair into a ponytail and then ran to the coffee machine, putting it on.

She put on her shoes and collected all her paperwork from last night, last night.

Steve- Captain Rogers came over. While she was crying. Shit!

What was she going to do? No one saw her vulnerable. No one saw her sad. No one saw her as anyone but the cold, mean, Deputy Director of SHIELD.

She grabbed her coffee, bag, and tablet and hurried out of her quarters.

She had the option of living off headquarters like Fury, Ste- Captain Rogers, and other high ranking SHIELD agents but she spent most of her time at work so living there was the easiest option.

Its not like her quarters were big, a bathroom, a little bedroom, and a kitchen/mini office/living room.

She got out of the elevator to the top floor, looking for Captain Rogers. She couldn't face him today.

She broke into a brisk walk as she rounded the corner to the corridor her office was on and sent out her usual glare to the few the agents out in hallway. She walked into her office and went straight to the pile of memos on her computer from Fury.

As she stepped inside she felt someone watching her. She walked to the computer and slowly grabbed a knife at her thigh. Maria spun around to face the intruder and threw a knife at the person.

"May!" Maria shouted in surprise as she saw the older agent duck with amazing reflexes, under the knife.

May popped back up, glaring at Maria.

"Good morning to you too Commander" May said and Maria sighed.

The older woman softened her posture at the sigh and walked over to Hill.

"Coulson used to do that" Maria said putting her files in their correct spots.

"Yeah. You left early last night" May told her, asking for an explanation, only slightly concerned because she, Phil, Barton, and Romanoff were Maria's only friends and it wasn't like Maria to leave a funeral early, because of her Deputy Director status.

"That's why you snuck into my office? Because I left a funeral early" Maria snorted, realizing she was beening to harsh. Phil was May's partner and losing him couldn't have been easy but Maria was sick of all of it.

"Hey" May said, calling Maria on her harshness. She pushed Maria, so Maria turned around.

"Stop shutting your emotions in. You could land Rogers if you didn't shut everyone out" May said, walking out.

Maria glared at May yet hurt and pain was seeping through her. If she opened herself up no one would want to be near her. She had done too many terrible things to ever be loved, things no one knew about, apart from Natasha and Phil.

"Meet me and Fury in his office at noon" May said and Maria sent her a quizical glance.

May rolled her eyes "since Stark hacked us, big classified messages are to be in sent in person" she said and closed the doors behind her.

Maria stayed in her office all morning, working on the latest mishaps and missions, doing Fury's work too and finally at 11:55 she put everything but her tablet down and came out of her avoid-Steve spot.

She closed her door and walked out, scaring off many junior agents.

She went round the corner and saw many agents from Phil's funeral standing in a group, so now wanting to be harassed, she took a more secluded hallway. That was a mistake.

"Commander Hill" Tony Stark said and put a hand on her shoulder. She spun around and flicked his hand off.

"Mr. Stark" she narrowed her eyes.

"I didn't see you at the funeral yesterday"

Jackass. She heard his comments about her.

"I had to leave before the party started" she stated.

"Party, huh" Tony said and Maria grimaced. He was playing a dangerous game.

"That's what he wanted-"

"Like you'd know"Tony mouthed off but she continued.

"And what Agent May asked for" and Tony looked confused.

"I organized his funeral" Maria told him, hurt but also confused at what she had just said. What the hell was wrong with her. First May and now Stark? She needed to keep it together.

Bits of the song she heard last drifted through her mind. "_I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most. I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well"_

"That would explain the boringness" he muttered.

Boringness? How old was this guy?

"And how cold it was" he continued to mutter.

She gripped a knife at her side, painfully. She was on the verge of tears but she couldn't cry. The last time she had done so Ste- Captain Rogers had seen her and she'd scared him off.

Instead she stalked off towards Fury's office.

When she got in their May was standing by his desk, staring at the wall.

"Director, Agent" Maria said, acknowledging them.

"Commander. I have called this meeting about project T.A.H.I.T.I. Do you both know what this project is?"

May and Maria nodded slowly, worry running through them, yet also wearing the emotionless masks.

5 minutes later Maria was shell-shocked. How could Fury have activated Project T.A.H.I.T.I. on Coulson? It was just wrong on so many levels. She had never agreed with it in the first place but now?

May was freaking out. She had been asked to watch over Phil and a team and report back to Fury. Fury insisted that Phil know nothing about project T.A.H.I.T.I. She could see where the older woman was coming from.

If someone did something like that to Steve and then asked her- except they wouldn't ask her because they was no connection between them. She made sure of that last night.

Fury looked towards her and she placed a hand on May's shoulder, calming her down.

"Hill, organize a meeting with the Avengers to inform them of Coulson's survival. Project T.A.H.I.T.I. is not to be mentioned, just that we faked his death"

"Sir, I don't think they'll like that very much. Maybe we should send out a memo-" Maria started.

"No. The meeting will be as soon as possible" Fury said and dismissed them both.

May stalked off, presumably to the gym and Maria pulled out her tablet, sending out a message about the meeting. She then headed back to her office to finish some files up.

At 3 she entered the briefing room and waited for the rest of the Avengers. They all showed up quickly and quietly, all having seen her at Phil's "funeral" apparently.

When Steve came in she turned back to her tablet until they were all seated and avoided his spot at the table.

"Now you have all been informed of Agent Coulson's passing 2 weeks ago but it seems that Director Fury and Agent Coulson faked his death-" she was cut off by an angry Tony.

"You did what? Just when I thought SHIELD was coming back up. How could you do that?" Tony demanded and Maria looked around.

Natasha was cursing in Russian and Barton was angrily flicking his bow string. Banner was sitting, dumb-founded and Steve- she couldn't look at Steve right now but she could feel the betrayal coming from all of them.

"Agent May and I were told today-"

"Bullshit!" Tony yelled at her, slamming his fists on the table.

"You probably set the whole thing up! You're just a horrible, nasty, emotionless bitch who doesn't care about anyone"

_And let the lonely in, to take my heart again. _

Maria was bombarded with emotions. Hurt, guilt, anger, sadness, all of it. She eyes filled with tears that threatened to spill.

Banner sat, open-mouthed, looking at Tony who stood with some sort of satisfactory smirk on his face next to the neutral assasins. Steve stood, glaring at Tony but she didn't see any of that.

Maria had ran out to the stairs yelling at any and all agents in her way until she got to her quarters. She unlocked them, hands shaking, and threw a whole bunch of random clothes into a suitcase. There was only one thing on her mind. Going home.

**A/N If you don't know Project TAHITI is SHIELD using alien blood form this bue corpse to bring people back to life. Coulson headed the project but he said it should never be used (except in the case of an emergancy, ie. an Avenger) because subjects had severe mental deterioration. Please remember to Review! Lots of Steve in the next chapter :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N so here's chapter 3. Sorry for the wait bit I was on a trip to Toronto for a week and no chance to write :( Hope you enjoy!**

"Natasha!" Steve yelled at the russian assasin, sparring with another senior agent.

Natasha jumped off the other girl and looked at him.

He continued to walk towards them and helped the other woman up.

She winked at him as she walked off, letting her hair out of its ponytail.

He looked over at Natasha who rolled her eyes and shook her head, grabbing a towel hanging up near her.

"What's up Cap?" She asked him, hopping onto on of the poles in the boxing ring, swinging her legs.

"You know how I was trying to befriend Maria-"

"Because you like her" Natasha stated, finishing his sentence. He blushed.

"Well, umm, I went over to her home last night" Natasha rasied her eyebrows "because she left her jacket at the funeral, and, uhhh"

"Spit it out Rogers" Natasha shouted, smirking. He was becoming very flustered.

"She was crying and upset and was swearing" Steve said not meeting her in the eyes.

She swore in russian while jumping off her seat. Her eyes went huge.

"What? I tried to comfort her but she kicked me out and I think this might damage our relationship-" he started to say before he was dragged out of the gym into the change-rooms.

She pulled him by the collar until he was gasping for breath.

"What the hell were you thinking?! You go to frickin Maria Hill's house after the death of one of her 4 friends! Do you have a death wish? I get you thought she might want some comforting or whatever but this is Maria Hill! Oh my god!" Natasha yelled at him.

Steve was astounded. Hed never really realized that she might want to be alone, because she was used to be alone.

"Hey Cap, I know you want my help to get her to open up to. I understand its hard for you to find a girl in this century but with Hill you're going to have to wait, to be patient, or you can move on-" she was interupted by their phones.

He looked at the message on his phone and turned back to Natasha only to find she was gone.

_Meeting in Room 47 for all Avengers at 1500 _

_Deputy Director M. Hill_

A shiver of anticipation ran through him.

She didn't look good and the news she gave them wasn't either.

She had avoided him all day. Now when he walked in

"Now you have all been informed of Agent Coulson's passing 2 weeks ago but it seems that Director Fury and Agent Coulson faked his death-" she was cut off by an angry Tony.

"You did what? Just when I thought SHIELD was coming back up. How could you do that?" Tony demanded and Maria looked around.

Natasha was cursing in Russian and Barton was angrily flicking his bow string. Banner was sitting, dumb-founded. He was shocked and a little angry at Fury.

"Agent May and I were told today-" she explained.

"Bullshit!" Tony yelled at her, slamming his fists on the table. Her eyes sparked with tears.

"You probably set the whole thing up! You're just a horrible, nasty, emotionless bitch who doesn't care about anyone"

She looked heartbroken, her mask slipping, and Steve stood up, unsure what to do. She hiccuped and ran out of the room.

"What the hell Tony!" Steve yelled at him.

"She hid Coulson from us. He never died and she tricked us into fighting for him!" Tony yelled turning to the Captain.

"She?! She?! SHE?! She has a name Mr. Stark and you made her cry. Do you not care? Do you want to be just as bad as you THINK she is? And Fury hid his death not Maria!" Steve yelled, getting angry for the first time in a while.

"Maria, huh? You got a little crush on our ice queen? You want to die of frostbite? She doesn't care about anyone! Haven't you seen her with other agents of this fucking agency! She looks and acts like she wants to murder them!" Tony taunted him, his face turning red.

Steve swung his arm and punched Tony in the face, hearing his cheekbone crack from the force.

"You little bastard!" Tony yelled after him but he was long gone.

She remembered her undercover days. How she would slip into the crowd, her hair and clothes just like everyone else.

How she would match everyone else's pace, walk with a neutral expression.

It seemed easy. It had been years since her last assignment but fitting in was like slipping into a new uniform. Simple.

She walked into the shopping mall. She wore a plain white tee, jean shorts, and a knitted scarf with her sling bag and ankle boots. Her hair was done up in a ponytail and she wore eyeliner, mascara, and lip gloss.

She slipped through the crowd, stumbling occasionally like her training had taught her. Her mark walked over to a group of people at a Starbucks and sat down. Keeping an eye on him she walked into line, glancing back to look at him, pretending she was looking around the area like a tourist.

He was chatting with his friends and she walked to a table near him with her Caramel Apple Spice in hand. She pulled her book out of her bag and pretended to read, actually looking at him.

Soon he got up and moved out of the food court, into the nearby Hollister. She stopped at a directory reading Bayshore! on it before moving to the entrance of the Aero across the way, making sure he came out.

"Miss?" a female voice asked her and she spun around. There was a woman, a young one wearing way too much make-up and really short shorts.

"Yes?" she replied, a little coldly and glared at the girl. The girl fiddled nervously with the hem of her shirt and blushed.

"Sweaters are buy one, get one 50% off" she muttered and hurried off. The brunette smirked and turned around only to find someone right in front of her.

She ducked expertly under their arm, flipping around so that she faced their back, using her reflexes.

"Ummm, that was cool" he said, just like a teenage boy would.

She sighed. Just like his father.

"Hey Maria"

**A/N So here's a just a little cliffhanger for you because a big one would be mean and the Bayshore Shopping Centre is a real place that is near me . . . Please please please review with any ideas or suggestions or critisism :)**


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